Can We?

I have never felt so independentista in my life! As everybody knows, it's inauguration day, and I woke up sick (like literally, I’ve had a chest cold all day). Last night I was excited, even though I couldn't vote and don't know who I'd support if I was a voting residential United States citizen. I don't think I'm meant to vote for the US... because tonight has been an offensively inspirational night.

A whole bunch of ACM girls and I went to Janet's (the Florence coordinator's) house for dinner to watch the speech (we're six hours ahead). I was the only one to bring a computer to watch it in English instead of dubbed Italian, which surprised me because I haven't really been into the whole campaign/politics thing. The girls joked, "Man, she brought a computer and she's not even an American citizen."

"Yes I am. I have a US passport; I just can't vote." "Ohhh..." was the only reply. So we watched together and someone even cried. It was a mindful speech. HOWEVER, what's the point of slogans and patriotic songs if the hearts of voting citizens are cold and accepting of the abusively advantageous way the US has behaved itself toward Puerto Rico.

I spoke to someone tonight, someone extremely intelligent, someone who told me something I needed to hear, that made me question what's so great about being an American???? I've encountered such a prominent attitude of America being the best which can bother me but really, it just falls so naturally into patriotism. Italians think they're the best too--actually they even go further to say Firenze better than Roma, but of course Roma disagrees, and Milan's better, etcetera etcetera. And it made me realize, honestly, deep down inside us, Puerto Ricans don't think they're best. We know what we're proud of: our land--our diverse landscape and out dependable weather, our culture, Viejo San Juan, our women, our power to choose what we are: a hybrid of Spain, Africa, Taino, and American.

I've always identified myself as la gringa boricua... but we need our own identity. Not a mold or stereotype but faith in our own selves, independent from the comfort of the US to know that we're not second class. The girls at the table agreed with me that that's how we're treated. "So explain this to us, Caroline, because sometimes you make it sound like you're super proud to be from Puerto Rico and not the US but when we said you weren't an American citizen you got offended."

I was offended because Americans don't know our history and they've "owned" us for 100 years. They know more about ancient Greece and the Middle East than about their own “property”—an element of their story. "Why should we know?" one girl asked me...

We got in a somewhat heated debate about Puerto Rico and how the US has made it dependent economically and that our situation is very particular because at times we want to identify with the US but we don't have full rights to really show that pride and so we're torn. "So make a revolution. Do something about it. Governments are always going to do what suits them, that's human nature. People don't care. They’re not going to change…" was the basic idea that I saw expressed (don’t mean to paint her unjustly, because she had good points…)

"But what's the point of studying history if we don't learn from our mistakes and change the (imperialist) way we interact with other countries."

Basically, in a more respectful way, she expressed that the US is the most powerful country in the world so why should it have to do anything other than what it feels like doing?

"Since it has the power, it has the ability to use a country or help it."

"But why would it?"

We ended the discussion agreeing to disagree--actually, she ended the discussion by saying "I get what you're saying I just completely disagree. It's a teenager parent situation--you blame us but you want our money."

It's true. It's more convenient to stay with the US. But what's better? I started thinking about her question--why don't you just do something. And I think it's because we don't think we can. We have done this to ourselves and so has the US...we've gotten accustomed to thinking we're not strong enough to be our own country. Part of me doesn't know if we are. But part of me is tired of fighting for the US and accepting its modern form of stewardship, knowing that we're an accessory.

I can't believe today, a day when someone who 60 years ago would not have been able to eat at certain restaurants or shit on certain toilets, Barack Obama became the president. The US thinks it's the shit because a) it is progressive and b) it is wealthy. But it's not humble. That's our problem (and virtue)...PR thinks it's shit...a shitty paradise (excuse my French).

Why can't our educators be better? Why can't our schools prepare students in the hopes that they can build the country up? I have this fear that independently we'd imitate Panama but part of me knows we have to try. Why do we accept being second class? Why shouldn't we have rights to at least vote on important topics and issues? Why isn't there a political compromise of power instead of our total surrender--we sell ourselves short.

I don't know if I want to be a part of a country that votes for a man of hope and still finds old habits of imperialism and self-righteous entitlement acceptable. But I know I don't want to be part of a country who doesn't believe in itself independently at all. We're not our own entity, and that's why I know I can't take this conversation personally--I can't be mad at this person for making me recognize reality. The question is, what will I do about it?

I've always wanted to escape both places and not have to choose a side. That's partially why I'm in Europe, because here, I can just be foreign without it being a complex issue. I'm automatically an outsider, instead of ambiguously a part of the USA. I can confidently stumble in my Italian, instead of ramble in English with my "exotic" Puerto Rican accent, or more importantly struggle in my "native" island's tongue.

I almost think the question isn't CAN WE DO THIS? Can we demand rights or independence--can we respect ourselves, can we prefer ourselves instead of considering the US constantly higher. The question is, will we?